I wake up around midnight needing to be suctioned. My dry eyes feel like a tiny piece of cotton is stuck to my eyeball. I struggle to open them, trying to see my eyegaze computer above me and alert Kevin to my need. As I blink them slowly, trying to awaken some lubrication I feel a stab of fear.
Presently I’m dealing with a very real concern. I have always thought that with ALS a person will at least be able to continue eye function if nothing else. However I’ve realized recently that that is not always the case.
My neurologist said that usually one can continue eye movement, but might loose the ability to blink. Sigh. More research shows that ALS progression can cause: increased fatigue, burning, dry eyes, reduced eye blink rate, weakened or slowed eye muscles, eyelid drooping, non closure…
I have sensed lately that my eyes are drier, wear out quicker, and my eyelids are getting weaker. How do I even deal with this new fear? It could consume me! Because I use an eyegaze computer to communicate, my eyes are my lifeline!
Worry is a big challenge. We often waste time worrying about things that never come to pass and even comparatively small concerns can be destructive and consume our thoughts.
Then there are very REAL-DEAL, possibly more legitimate worries like being in the path of a tornado. Times when we can’t seem to escape the grip of fear and adrenaline floods our system. Whether that’s fear of harm, disease, abandonment, political unrest, loss, injury, bills, disaster and the list goes on. Many things overshadow our thoughts and fill us with worry.
Somehow whenever I close my eyes to rest them and to pray, I must surrender this new fear to my loving Savior. He says in Philipians 4:6, 7: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Be anxious for NOTHING?! That’s easier said than done sometimes! But notice in the verse that it’s the “peace of God” that we are promised. Peace is not something we can muster up on our own. It is given by God and sustained by Him as we continue to surrender each fear to Him.
I remember soon after my sister-in-law was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I found her a little plaque at Hobby Lobby with the words: “Don’t worry about tomorrow, God is already there.” Then, several years later after my diagnosis with ALS, she gave me the same plaque. Like one of my favorite quotes says, “We have nothing to fear for the future except to forget the way He has led us in the past.” We so easily forget!
We all experience trials that shake us to the core! And we all need reminders to depend on our loving Savior who will help us not to worry.
I became a worried little kid for a few years after seeing my beloved grandma’s lifeless body in a casket. Listening to the song “Why Should I Worry or Fret” by The Heritage Singers would bring some comfort to my childish mind. Listen. It has a distinct 70s flair, but the message holds true. Ultimately if we REALLY believe His character is good and He means to do us well, then we have nothing to worry about.
God wants us to tell Him our raw, real thoughts and surrender our worries to Him. Call out to Him today with your fears as I did in this prayer (and please pray for me too!):
Oh Lord, I’m scared. I desperately need you to take over and help me with this new fear about my eyes. This is a burden too big for me to carry. I give it to you. Please intervene, bring the resources and help I need! You know how much I need my eyes. You know how much I want to be a blessing to others with my writing. My eyes are about all I have left, Lord. Please, miraculously preserve my eyes. I choose not to fear by your grace, but carry me. Eye need You.
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